They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
