The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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