You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
