After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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