i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize