life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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