The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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