Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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