he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
