Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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