thus making me awesome and them whores
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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