She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
