I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize