Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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