She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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