new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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