wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
pray to the hookup gods
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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