After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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