You can't special order awesome
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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