So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
