Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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