Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
