I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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