Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
