Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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