Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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