i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
