Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
