I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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