it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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