I am in a vortex of obligation.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
