Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
