I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
