My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
