No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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