I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
