Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize