I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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