apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
