I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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