he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize