oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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