he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
