I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
