Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So much rum. So many feels.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize