I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
