Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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