He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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