ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
