also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I am full of burrito and curiosity
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
