She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
