Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
