I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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