There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
