I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
