Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
