Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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