If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
