She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
