He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
