I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
did i walk over a car last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
