You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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