My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
